Listen people, we are all gonna die. Realistically, we are all gonna die soon, and it’s going to be in a way far more horrible than any of us could imagine. We will probably blow ourselves up. Or try to play God and cause some sort of man-made natural disaster. But due to the recent rash of the ingestion of bath salts turning people into zombies, there may be a way bigger chance for the zombie apocalypse to happen than any of us would have ever thought. And far sooner, too! And when you think of the zombie apocalypse, if you are anything like me, you also think of who you would have with you for said apocalypse. Here is my list of the six famous(?) people I would like to have with me when the dead begin to walk the Earth again, feeding on the living. Which seems pretty inevitable at this point.
Paris Hilton
I know you are all reading this and screaming foul, but hear me out. Zombies eat brains, right? So are you getting my drift yet? If zombies DON”T eat their own kind, and look to feed off living tissue, than Paris Hilton would be perfect. She has no soul and no brains, so you could send her into the heavily infested areas to gather food and resources without having to worry about her being bitten and turned into one of them. She is like a living-life-vest, too. You just make her walk in front of you and basically you are all set.
Plus, it’s pretty safe to assume she is a whore, so if you got lonely enough….
The huge downside to this would be her petite size and lack of self preservation skills when it comes to scenarios like this. But she would be an asset for her ability to gain resources. But make sure you give her a list before you send her out to gather goods, because if you send her out and tell her to “get important stuff” she will come back with bags full of makeup and morning after pills.
Sean Bean
Ned Stark to lead the charge. Now I know what you guys are thinking: Why would he pick an actor who PRETENDS to play cool, tough guys. But that is not the case. As I wrote about in this article right here, Sean Bean got stabbed protecting a woman he was on a date with not too long ago. And instead of going to the hospital, he went back in to the pub they were at and finished drinking. I honestly don’t think I have ever heard a true story that badass. Plus, he is Ned f*cking Stark. Well, he WAS Ned Stark.
Pretty sure they just let Sean Bean do and say what he wants and they film it.
And outside of those reasons, have you seen him play the bad guy? He is relentless. Something tells me if the undead were surrounding him, he would just go ape-shit crazy and start smashing all their skulls together. The person who DOESN’T pick Sean Bean is bound to die quicker than the person who does.
Kimbo Slice
I know a bunch of MMA enthusiasts are going to say Kimbo Slice proved he was nothing when he did a few MMA fights and had ass handed to him, but that is an absolutely stupid thought when it comes to a zombie scenario. You think a zombie is going to grapple, roll around, get pinned and then tap out? No, he is gonna try to bite the f*ck out of you, at which point, Kimbo Slice would do what Kimbo Slice does best, which is this:
The man is like a wild animal, just swinging until he kills things.
The way dead tissue works is, it is dead. So unlike a punch to the face of someone who has living tissue (absorb impact, quickly heal) Kimbo would LITERALLY be punching through zombies heads, one after the other. How BADASS would that be to walk behind. Hell, you wouldn’t even need to use your Katana.
A zombie wouldn’t even be able to bite through him. He is carved out of steel and hatred.
Dick Cheney
I know a bunch of you are reading this and thinking “WTF?” but allow me a moment to explain this decision. Some of you may also be thinking we picked him because he is an amoral man and a great strategist, which could make him essential for planning. But nope, that is not why I picked him to join my zombie squad. I hate the guy, and think he is a liar and a death-monger.
Every single group needs what we call the “sacrificial lamb”. The first person we all agree to shove aside so they can get eaten to buy us some time. The way I see it. Why not pick a man who has the blood of thousands on his hands get his blood on thousands of other hands. I call that fitting.
Though I bet his meat is rancid and dry, and even the undead wouldn’t waste their time.
I can honestly say that, if you had Cheney in your group, and came to that first impasse where you KNEW one of you needed to die to save the others, I am pretty sure everyone would come to same agreement pretty quickly. Toss his ass out there and run in the other direction while the zombies feed upon his carrion. Ofcourse, be careful.
You could also find out he’s been a zombie the whole time, too.
Anthony Bourdain
Think about it for a second, there is a good chance you will spend the rest of your lives with these people if your are good at survival as a group, which means, you need some people you can hang with at the end of the day. Maybe somebody who could roast a duck you caught and tell you an amazing story next to a roaring campfire. And on top of that, if the guy is cool and has survival skills, so it’s a perfect choice.
If you don’t know who this man is, get the f*ck off my site right now.
I feel like, no matter how bad it got, as long as you had a few bottles of good booze and the wisdom of Anthony Bourdain with you, things would never be that bad. And one other positive to having him on your team, he probably knows the best way to cook a human.
Fact is, Anthony Bourdain is the closest we have to the Dos Equis guy in real life.
Taylor Swift
The sad reality in all this is that it would be up to me and me alone to repopulate the Earth with beautiful, brilliant children. And who better to make a baby-carrying-vessel than a young, stunning, talented, driven pop star? I know you guys must think there are other woman, more like me, who I would want to repopulate the Earth with, and you would be right, but remember. This is the zombie apocalypse, and my choosing of Miss Swift is actually smart.
“Can we do it in this position so I can keep my eyes out for walkers???” Sure thing, Taylor. Good call!
you see, you need a woman who NEEDS to be loved. A woman who will focus solely on bring the babies to term and keeping herself alive, and Taylor is perfect. She is like a little, broken Swan, who has been so callously handled by the men she has fallen in love with so far. To be loved and needed would give her such joy and purpose, and if she went at it with the same gusto and passion that she has gone after her success, than it is pretty safe to say we would be building a nice little army in no time.
Plus, she has a pretty voice and we could write music together.
In between all the repopulation and stuff.
I like the concept of this sign, but if only people in cars see it, how does telling them to “run” even make any sense?
The post Six Celebrities I Would Like To Have With Me For The Zombie Apocalypse appeared first on Remy Carreiro.